With news that New Kids on the Block are touring again, I find myself wondering why are they still trying? It’s fine to try to recapture your glory days and relive a little bit of the excitement from when you ruled the world. The Spice Girls did it well. Their reunion tour was all about nostalgia; celebrating the phenomenon that was the Spice Girls in the mid to late 90s then packing it in and calling it a day. Not everyone has the common sense to realize their time has passed. These bands keep proving it album after album.
10. Marilyn Manson
It pains me to Manson on this list. It really does. I have been a Spooky Kid since I was fourteen, but that right there should say something. I have been a fan of Marilyn Manson since the first EP and I am still a fan, but Manson has built a career on shock rock and nothing is shocking anymore. Now Manson is man in makeup trying to do something new an exciting but really just giving the world more of the same.
Glory Days: Antichrist Superstar
Lowest Point: Not yet here – but close, I’m sure
9. Bon Jovi
Once a hard rocking hair metal band, Bon Jovi has turned into a light rocking, drivel producing group spilling sentimental mega-ballads written specifically for use in the latest awful romantic comedy. All those romantic comedies are the same – same plot, same characters and same last minute revelation that brings the story to a happy conclusion and sadly, the only thing missing from this story in a Bon Jovi song is the happy ending. Pack it in now, boys. Your happy ending has long since passed. Have a nice day.
Glory Days: Slippery When Wet
Lowest Point: Have A Nice Day – what the hell was that?
8. U2
U2 doesn’t entirely belong on this list. They can go ahead and keep making music until they keel over and bite the big one on stage if they want to, but what they need to stop doing is trying to milk their loyal fans of every last red cent they earn. We will buy the super-spiffy-pimped-up-tricked-out-limited-edition-deluxe-repackaged version and they know it. No band should have more than one version of the same album. It’s a money grab and U2 just does not need the money.
Glory Days: Every single album
Lowest Point: Every single deluxe edition that offers one extra item for twice the price
7. Whitney Houston
Whitney, we love you. You had one of the most incredible voices in the world and we were rooting for your return. The problem is in order to truly make a comeback you would’ve had to have given us the Whitney we fell in love with. Instead, you gave us a half-hearted attempt at an album and it just fell flat. Perhaps you just needed more time to recover and pull things together. We would’ve waited. We wanted to see you shine instead of flickering for a moment before burning out. It’s time to stop before you completely erase the Whitney of old completely from our memory completely.
Glory Days: Waiting to Exhale, The Bodyguard
Lowest Point: Million Dollar Bill
6. Kiss
What more can I say that I didn’t say about Marilyn Manson. Same story different shock rockers light on the shock.
Glory Days: Destroyer
Lowest Point: Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels – selling out at it’s finest
5. Heidi Montag
Heidi, I know you think you can sing and hey, perhaps you can. There are worse but seriously lady, it’s time to give it up. There isn’t a single person on the face of this planet that doesn’t have a penis that takes you seriously. Just give up on music, Heidi. Get some more botox, another boob job and stick to looking like a faker version of a Barbie doll. It’s what you’re good at.
Glory Days: Pending
Lowest Point: Her entire public life.
4. Eminem
Don’t get me wrong, I love Eminem. I really do, but does retirement mean anything these days? We said our tearful goodbyes to him. We had our moment. He left. It’s over. He shut it down and we all moved on. When you retire that is supposed to be the end. You’re supposed to get a nice house in Boca and spend your days on the beach. Jay-Z can come back because he’s Jay-Z. I respect you, Eminem and I love your music, but you’re no Jay-Z.
Glory Days: The Eminem Show
Lowest Point: Just Lose It (Yes, it was before the retirement but it was just awful.)
3. New Kids on the Block
The Spice Girls got it. They knew their moment in the sun had passed and launched a reunion tour to say goodbye properly. This, kids, is how you relieve your glory days without looking pathetic. The New Kids on the Block haven’t realized that yet. New albums, new world tours. New it isn’t. It’s the same old thing over and over again and it’s just getting a little old now. Take a cue from the Spice Girls and take your final bow.
Glory Days: Step By Step
Lowest Point: Oh who even keeps track anymore?
2. Nickelback
There was a time when this musical monstrosity was contained to Canada and it was good. The world was a better place but in time, this disease with bad hair and worse music spread and now it’s infected the United States. The problem is, Nickelback was good. Nickelback was great, in fact. Silverside Up was a heck of a rock album. The problem is that record was successful. It was successful enough that the band decided they could take that album, change the lyrics and re-record it and release it as brand new. The worst part is they believed the public is stupid enough to fall for it. They called that album The Long Road. It’s a long road indeed. It’s a long road of more putrid, tepid, uninspired drivel from a band that just doesn’t seem to care anymore. Dimebag Darrell’s last guitar solo went to this wretched band. What a waste.
Glory Days: Silverside Up
Lowest Point: Silverside Up 2.0, 3.0 and 4.0
1. Axl Rose
It isn’t Guns N’ Roses anymore, man. Just let it go. I don’t care if you own the name you don’t own the spirit of the band. Every time you take the stage fronting this rehashed, over hyped bastard child that once was one of the greatest hair metal bands of all time, you are soiling the truly legendary name you helped build. You were a heck of a front man, but you had a heck of a band supporting you. You are not Guns N’ Roses. You are a sad old man who can’t let go of the past. The 80’s are over and so is your career.
Glory Days: Appetite for Destruction
Lowest Point: Chinese Democracy – ten years too late, man. Ten years too late.
