Is He Cheating? 10 Signs His Friend is More than a Friend

This is me.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Wanda and I’m a writer. I am twenty-nine years old and as of this coming August 11, I have been married for five years. I am writing this article as a married woman who has been cheated on. I’m also writing this article as a woman whose friends are, almost exclusively, men. Some of my closest friends are ex-boyfriends. My husband is cool with that because he trusts me. I have, however, encountered the odd jealous girlfriend or two that isn’t okay with me spending time with their significant other.

'Just Friends' by Matthew Hurst.

Everyone needs friends and your man is no different. In all of the jealous girlfriend experiences I’ve had, one thing is true of every experience – there was absolutely nothing for the girlfriend to be jealous of and I was around long after the jealous girl was gone. Friends are a forever kind of deal and if you want to be able to say the same about your relationship with your man (or your woman), you need to reign in that unnecessary jealous.

'Friends Holding Hands' by Logan Campbell

Before we get started, let’s be clear about something. I know getting cheated on absolutely sucks. With that said, you can’t let the fear of being cheated on drive you crazy. You and your man will both suffer for it. Sometimes that friend your man is spending time with is more than a friend, but don’t just to conclusions. There are a few signs you should watch out for and that’s what this article is about. If you’re going over the list and saying “my man does that” to everything, it warrants a little conversation but it does not mean your man is cheating. Don’t go all accusatory on his ass. Not all men are the same. Talk. Voice your concerns and have a little trust. If you don’t feel he deserves your trust, your relationship is already doomed. Okay – let’s talk warning signs.

'Sleeping with Bo' by Joi Ito.

10: He takes her calls regardless of the time, place or circumstances.

It’s late at night. You and your man have settled into the bedroom for a little romantic time. Things are getting steamy. His phone rings. He checks the called ID and it’s her. Does he answer? If he does, you may have something to worry about. If he answers regardless of who it is, your man is inconsiderate and that might warrant a little discussion, but he probably isn’t cheating. Exceptions: doctors, police officers, firemen or other professionals that may need to be reached urgently at any time of the day or night.

'Nothing Matters When We're Dancing' by Erica Olsen

09: They have a special song.

For this one to really count, you need to know your guy. If he’s really into music he might just have a special song with his friends anyway. For example, Don’t Call Me Baby by Madison Avenue is a special song for my friend Rosa and I, but there’s nothing romantic there. Listen to the tone of the song. If it’s fun and lighthearted you probably have nothing to worry about. If it’s something more romantic, you probably have a little something to be worried about. Ask about the story behind it. It could very well be nothing and asking is the best way to find out.

'Hanging out with Jon' by Josh Berglund.

08: He likes everything she likes.

It’s cool to have things in common, but if your guy has always hated pool and suddenly gets interested in it around the same time she has, you could have something to worry about. The same goes for music. If she’s into music and he likes everything she recommends either she has amazing taste or he has a thing for her. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating but it’s a pretty strong indication that there are feelings there – even if those feelings are unrequited.

'Wolves' by Carsten Tolkmit

07: He defends her passionately even when she’s wrong.

Some people just have to root for the underdog – even if that underdog has peed on the rug despite knowing better. I am one of those people. It’s a habit, I suppose. If your guy is like that, chances are he’s going to stand up for any friend in any situation. If he isn’t that kind of guy though and he’s always going out of his way to stick up for the girl, you should be worried. That shows passion and you need to ask yourself why that passion is reserved for one friend in particularly – especially if he rarely takes your side.

... but are you fun? (Photo by Dennis Crowley)

06: He does things with her he would never do with you.

This one is tricky because it takes an honest look at yourself. If your man drinks with his friend but won’t drink with you, you might want to be concerned but you also need to ask yourself if there’s another reason for that. Not everyone is a fun drunk. There’s nothing wrong with that. There is no reason your guy can’t have fun with his friends in ways he can’t have fun with you as long as you still find your own ways to have fun. The same goes for taking his friend to concerts or movies. If you aren’t in to music and she is, it only makes sense that he would take her. If you do like music and he still chooses to take her, you should definitely be worried.

'Present from Evan' by Judson Dunn.

05: He buys her gifts for no reason.

Some people just like giving gifts. Remember that. If your guy sees something he thinks his friend would love and he picks it up for her, don’t worry about it too much unless you’re certain he wouldn’t do the same for any of his other friends. If you have never in the history of your relationship with the man seen him buy a gift outside of birthday or Christmas gifts and suddenly he buys something for his friend, you should be concerned. Keep it in context though. If it’s just a little trinket, don’t worry about it. If it’s something she needs, it’s probably cool. If it’s something more elaborate or more thoughtful, it’s worth talking about.

'Amigos' by Fernanda Stéphanie R Carvalho

04: He is overly affectionate with her or seems uncomfortable when the three of you are together.

Body language is important. It’s not difficult to tell the difference between a playful kiss on the cheek and something more meaningful. Even though your guy may be more affectionate with the girl than his other friends, there still may be nothing to worry about. Watch how they act around each other. As a general rule of thumb, you should only really be worried if your guy is more affectionate with his friend than he is with you.

As for being uncomfortable, you have to be aware of the kind of vibe you are giving off. If you seem jealous or paranoid that something is going on between your guy and his friend, that will make him act differently when the three of you are in the same room. He will be uncomfortable. If you’re relaxed and having fun and he’s still uncomfortable, you should definitely have a talk – even if it’s just to let him know you trust him and are cool with him having a female friend. Guys are weird sometimes. They might just be scared that you’re upset, especially if your guy has had a jealous girlfriend in the past. Conversation is a great way to clear the air.

Does he keep you at arm's length? (photo by Sister72)

03: He doesn’t want you to meet her.

This is a big one, ladies. If your guy doesn’t want you to meet his friend, you definitely have something to worry about. If you are acting jealous, insecure or threatened by her, he might be trying to keep you away for that reason. If you just want to meet her because she’s important to him and so is he and you check the attitude, there is no reason your guy shouldn’t want you and his friend to have some face time. He might not be cheating, but there’s definitely something you need to be worried about there. This is also true if he doesn’t want you to meet any of his friends. If you’re in a serious relationship, you should know who he spends his time with just like he should know who you spend your time with. It goes both ways.

Is she the focal point of every conversation? (photo by José Maria Silveira Neto)

02: He talks about her more than any of his other friends.

Every story is about her. Every joke is a joke he heard from her. If you listened to him talk, you’d think he only has one friend. If your guy hangs out with a group of people but you only ever hear her name, you have got trouble. There are precious few circumstances where this doesn’t point to a problem. Those circumstances are:

  • Other than you, she is his only friend.
  • His other friends live out of town, so she’s the only friend he has that he sees on a regular basis.
  • She has been a friend for a long time.
  • They work together and she is the only person he works with.

If none of the above circumstances fit your situation, you need to have a talk with your guy. The heart wants what the heart wants, or so says the old saying. If your guy can’t stop gushing about his ‘friend’, there’s a pretty good chance his heart wants her.

He probably shouldn't be familiar with what she wears to bed. (photo by Emdot)

01: He spends the night at her place without you.

If your guy is in a serious relationship with you, he is too old for sleepovers. It’s as simple as that. Even if he is too drunk to drive, he should be sober enough to call a cab. If he isn’t – well, you don’t have anything to worry about. If he’s too drunk to dial a phone you don’t have to worry about any funny business to take care of. If your guy is especially close to his friend and she’s been in his life for a long time, you might be able to make an exception for this one. Another possible exception is if his friend lives out of town and he is planning to visit her. If you can, try to go with him. You’ll get to spend quality time with someone that’s important to him and put your mind at ease – you might even make a new friend out of the deal.

 

Childhood friends who have never dated likely have more of a brother/sister relationship than anything else and this sort of circumstance trumps everything on this list. Don’t be threatened by someone who has been an important part of his life for longer than you have. If you’re worried, remember – if they’ve been friends since they were kids and nothing has happened by the time you meet him, chances are pretty good nothing ever will. Try to mess with this kind of bond and you’ll be the one headed for the door.

 

Do you have any relationship questions you need to have answered? Is your man driving you up the wall and you don’t know what to do? I’m compiling questions for a very exciting “Ask Wanda” column right here on this very site and I’d love for you all to participate. Send your questions to me with ‘advice please’ in the subject line or submit your question via Twitter and I’ll do my best to help you out.


  • Sabrina

    All those are pretty obvious. Any woman who stays with a man like that is a fool.

  • Sabrina

    You should’ve left him like yesterday…or maybe years ago when he started pulling this crap!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jerold.groves Jerold Groves

    wheres the mans story? I recently got out of a 6 year relationship 5 days ago!

    I am the guy, and she and I were out for some drinks with her aunt and her co workers and friends. They sing some karaokee as i watch. I dont sing and or practice, I am horrible. She loves to listen to music and sing in the shower to herself all the time, so karaoke she is getting to enjoy lately. So anyways this guy (co worker of her aunts) walks into the pub and my girlfriend gets super excited like she missed him(he does sing fairly good).so she gets up off her seat next to me and sits next to him… She starts talking to him with her head nearly on his shoulder with glittering eyes like it was love or something. She asking him how to spell his name as she was inputting it into her phone(Really?? suspicious of bad intention or friend only?). So than soon a song comes up and this guy is up there starting to sing. My girl gets up to and dances for him ( she doesnt bother to look at me or ask me if I can join her). im not familiar with this song either but it was a love type and he was seemingly directing it to her by pointing her out. after the song she immediately follows him outside for a smoke…. leaving me inside which is never happened before. All buddy buddy, it is kind of weird to see it happening infront of me, because no guy is this close to her before… So time is going by, i had remembered she told me she wanted to leave at 11pm because she had to work 6am. So i reminded her its 11am we should be going home. She says no i am going to stay. I reminded her” you work at 6 am your going to regret staying and drinking longer like last time”. She says thats ok… so we stay abit longer, I go out for a smoke and she refused to come .. which DOESNT happen….. so than the song comes on for this guy again just as im outside and she is getting closer to him when dancing. he sits down to sing and she is nearly giving him a lapdance… So the song ends and I come him after smoke, and she goes straight backoutside with him for a smoke(she had just refused to go with me to dance with him….) So after she came in she told me her aunt needs to talk to her ( now im getting some weird feelings ). I asked her what for, she said she doesnt know buy she’ll be back in a minute(the 2 girls goto the bathroom come back in 2 minutes…) she tells me she is going to stay over at her aunts house for the night… I said that doesnt sound like the best option considering you work at 6 am and that your aunt is twice as far away from work than our house… she said I am going to stay here and go to her house after, so you can go home( i am kinda getting a bit furious of this and worry that she and this guy may go furthur). so i go home… 1230 rolls around and she is just leaving the pub because it is closing.. she shows up at home going in the room to grab whatever it was and a phone charger. As she is doing that, her aunt continusly reassuring me that she is going home with her. I told her that isnt a good idea she works tomorrow in 5.5 hours and she is going to be furthur from work… her aunt is starting a fight with me to take her.. so I let her go because It wasnt going to end until i gave up! she said they are gonig to take a cab right now.
    Alright so they left and i am here stuck thinking if he is downstairs or something. I sit back think, go smoke, play a game for awhile, look at the clock , 20 minutes gone by, I said to myself… I dont work tomorrow, I will go out for one more drink(there is a bar that is open until 2am) so I go down there and just as I walk in the door, POOOF there is my girl sitting on the steps talking with some random girl wi th the guy next to her and her aunt talking to someone else aswell…. MY girlfriend opened her eyes wide like she was freaked to see me and said to the random girl “this guy ” as i walked past them (wtf does she mean this guy?) I am upset right now, I go straight in get a drink and sit down. NOW her aunt comes upto me asking why im here… i said to have a drink since you guys are suppose to be at your house anyways . She said oh we are waiting, I told her there is a cab waiting outside before i walked in…. They are not busy service at 1am,,, she again assured me, my girl is going home with her.. so my girl walks past me not saying a word and goes straight to the dance floor.. I finish my beer and walk over there to see her and she is holding him and dancing like I should be!!!. I waved and left ( now im upset and think that this whole thing with her aunt is a cover story and she is NOT going to work tomorrow and will be going to this guys house!!) sure enough I am home and am up for a very long time after. 430 am i am still away wondering and having bad thoughts about what could be going on.. I am thinking to myself she should be at work in 1hr 30 minutes…

    So we are on a family plan with our wireless providor and we own Iphones. I pay the bill and know of all the services provided. I check the GPS location of her phone because i am legally allowed to know where my property is, and it is somewhere I never seen or heard of her being at before.. and I CAN ASSURE YOU, IT WAS NOT AT HER AUNTS HOUSE…..
    So now, I r eally think it went down the worst way possible and I confront her and she said ” i went home with him ” . GREAT, this is how it ends right.,.. totally suspected it coming and yet couldnt do anything to stop it. Don’t think a condom was involed either.

    I really feel like that guy needs to be taught a lesson as he KNEW I was with her. But SHE OK’d it…. Using alcohol as an excuse? I think she wanted this from the moment she saw him ( the singing is probably what stole her from me cause I dont )

    How about a answer to this question… What could of been done? what should of been done? Could I have prevented it? Should I of never let her go with her aunt?

  • http://www.twitter.com/Girl_In_Stereo Wanda Fraser

    Ugh. So sorry to hear this happened to you. I wrote the article from a woman’s perspective because I’m a woman, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t think there’s much of a difference between men and women when it comes to this sort of thing. She hurt you and she betrayed you. She disrespected you and your relationship. Worst of all, she broke your trust. While it took a big woman to admit to what she did (and I would say the same if the roles were reversed), the truth is that you had to confront her about it. You don’t know whether or not she would’ve actually told you had you not asked. If there was no protection involved, things could get even worse. In all honesty though, that’s not what you need to think about right now.

    I’ll be blunt. I don’t believe alcohol is an excuse. I’ve never believed alcohol is an excuse. I went through a period of time in my late teens/early twenties when I drank a lot – and I do mean a lot. I have been drunk enough to not remember anything I said or did the next morning but I never lost control to the point that I didn’t at least know what I was doing when I did it. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. I’ve jumped into pools fully clothes with my shoes still on. I even streaked once. All of those are things I would’ve done sober if I felt comfortable enough to do them. Alcohol doesn’t change who you are unless you have a serious, legitimate drinking problem. If your girl has a drinking problem, that is a whole separate issue that needs to be dealt with before you even consider dealing with the cheating. Usually a serious drinking problem would be far more obvious though so don’t just let her claim that’s what’s going on.

    As to your questions, the sad truth is that there’s probably a good chance nothing could have been done. What should have been done? Nothing on your end. If your girl was unhappy in the relationship, she should have let you know. She should have talked to you. Communication is key to most successful relationships. You have to be able to talk to the person you’re with. Could you have prevented it? Probably not and would you want to if you could? That might sound terrible but you really need to sit back and ask yourself that question. Love is complicated. It’s hard to know what’s in someone else’s heart, especially if they’re not willing to open up and talk. At the same time, your girl cheated on you. She admitted to it, yes, but only after you confronted her. You don’t know how long that lie would’ve gone on. If she is the kind of person that would cheat on you, you need to ask yourself if that is someone you want in your life.

    Here’s the biggest problem with cheating: it is extremely hard to repair the trust once it’s been broken. If you want to stay with her, you both need to work at fixing the relationship. You need to find a way to forgive her and be able to trust her and trust me. That is not easy. I’ve been cheated on many times and it sucks so hard and it hurts to deep down it’s nearly impossible to ever look at the person the same way again. With that said, don’t blame the guy. Yes he knew she was with you but at the end of the day, it was your girl who stepped outside of your relationship. In a perfect world, people would’ve screw around with other people’s boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives but this is far from a perfect world. Your girlfriend is the one that should’ve been loyal to you, not the guy. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but it’s true. You want to know what will teach him a lesson? When he finds someone he loves and cares about and she does the same thing to him. Karma has a weird way of sorting these things out. Trying to teach him a lesson yourself won’t make your situation any better and will probably actually only make things worse.

    I’m certain this long, drawn out reply hasn’t done much to make you feel better but time really will help ease the sting. If you decide you want to stay with her – which is your choice, no matter what anyone says – you face a long road but if you really love her, you think you can learn to trust her and she’s willing to work with you to fix any problems in the relationship and is truly sorry for the pain she’s caused you, the relationship can work. You have to be able and willing to let what she did go though. That’s far, far easier said than done and is something I have yet to master, but unless you let go of the pain she’s caused you, you will never really trust her again. Depending on how invested you are in working it out, counseling may be an option you’d want to consider. That’s not just for the married folks anymore. You aren’t less of a man or less of a person if you can’t let go though. That’s entirely understandable but it’s also something you need to recognize so you can walk away. As much as it sucks to walk away from someone you love – especially since there will likely be tears and begging involved – you’ll be saving your self, and your girl, a lot of pain down the road.

  • Savanna

    Wow, no one should ever be treated like you did. There’s nothing you can do, if she did it once, she’ll do it again. Wow, still can’t believe how inconsiderate people can be.

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